Despite the latest research suggesting that human cognitive development isn’t complete until the age of twenty-six or so, I’d like to propose – on behalf of the Democratic Party – that we extend the franchise to all human organisms over the age of ten years.
At first, this may appear counterintuitive, however we’ve proven time and time again that we really don’t care about making rational cases for things, and that realistic political strategy is a big dumb waste of time. We’re finally going to dispense with the idea that we are trying to persuade anyone of anything at all. It’s time to appeal to the youth.
You see, children are very liberal. They get it. But not too young, mind you, because everyone under ten is a selfish brat and would vote conservative. But between the ages of ten and eighteen, they’re a safe bet. After that, they begin to read Marx or Rand or Burke and then you begin to lose them. But mostly not.
I mean, the real prize would be to get rid of all the olds and ship everyone off to California, but even we can’t raise taxes high enough to make that happen. So we’re just going to complain every time we remember that we live in a geographically diverse country that has farm folk.
Oh the farm folk. The hell do they need an electoral college for? They don’t even go to real college. Ah, we’re going to rob them of federal representation and it’s going to be beautiful.
Bastards with their conventional farming techniques and their semi-automatic assault bazooka missiles. Right after we ban everything that poses a risk of danger or fun we’re going to clamp down on their precious little Walmart. You want an optical appointment or a Capri Sun for a reasonable price? Well fuck you. You’re going to need a license for that, or else you can go to Target like a civilized person.
Next will be country music. No one cares about your crooning. While you’re rambling about the Alamo, we’re singing Beyonce at some ironic dive bar.
And don’t even bring up the Indigo Girls. Ban them too. It’s a short road from alt-country to alt-right anyway, and besides, they’re anti-war.
Some people may say that we’re the party of busybodies and social engineers, but look, we’re not going to do any of that gerrymandering bullshit that the Republicans do. We’re winners and drawing favorable electoral maps is for losers.
No, we’re going to call a motherfucking constitutional convention and get like a hundred states to propose and ratify all kinds of goddamn amendments. Fuck it. We’re going to amend Article Five too and just repeal shit whenever we want.
It’s going to be lit.
Now all we need to do is seize control of more than like three state legislatures and maybe even gain a simple majority in Congress. America is already great motherfuckers and it’s going to be even greater once we have control for maybe like two years or something.