I just solved our political impasse

I’d like to announce my non-candidacy for a some office either too insubstantial to make any actual difference, or too high-ranking to stand a remote chance of attaining ten votes nationwide. I’m doing so because I believe in feelings and beliefs, and feel that my feelings and beliefs are sufficient to both not win, and to not risk causing any sort of actual change that will improve anyone’s actual life at all.

My platform is really quite simple.

Let us resolve the abortion and gun culture wars by implementing one simple measure once and for all. Allow people to continue owning guns, and allow others to use them in the commission of abortion. Problem solved.

Support folks in building their favored socialist or survivalist utopia within the context of our present economic structure. There are no shortage of co-ops and suburban enclaves, no shortage of gutter punk houses and Amish communities, no shortage of Costcos that will outfit your commune with bulk pickles and entire pallets of toiletries at a low, low price.

Indeed modern capitalism enables a voluntary socialist community to outfit itself at a tax rate of approximately 0.01%, so long as they can endure itchy buttocks and occasional constipation. Substantial amounts of land can be purchased in the backcountry for about $5 per acre, and Amazon.com will soon deliver to these remote areas by drone.

Universal healthcare can be implemented overnight by resorting to inexpensive and well-founded medical products, like crystals and shots of apple cider vinegar. Climate change can be addressed through the clever use of geodesic domes. Income inequality can be curtailed by using a cryptocurrency available at a sharp discount to commune members. College tuition can be eliminated by hosting free local workshops, teaching people to code but also to weld. When people learn that welding will enable them to earn five times as much as a person with a degree in the classics, the people will rise up and choose to weld shit together.

Keeping these innovative and entirely realistic proposals in mind, I hope I won’t earn your vote in the relevant and tedious celebration of our lack of essential liberties that occurs every so often and leaves all of us miserable and disappointed.

%d bloggers like this: